Questions..

I couldn't help myself thinking of many things that I truly wanted. Sometimes it confuses me, sometimes misguided and even blinded. I wanted to follow what my conscious self is telling me but my rational being supersede each step that I was about to make. I hate myself sometimes for making me very vulnerable yet irrevocable. Easily flooded with emotions and erratic decisions. I thought I finally conquered and took control of the emotions which I think seemed to be not right. Maybe it could be right in some instance but probably not just in the right side of time to be realized. I was relieved with the thought that I have managed to make it pass without starting to hurt anyone including myself. I was finally able to breathe freely and determined to focus and follow my plans. But suddenly without a warning, the strength that I've been carefully holding on shattered into pieces allowing it to work freely covering my whole existence again. Resisting seems to be impossible after that very careful and very subtle encounter. It’s like touching my heart and echoing something to it. How can I resist? How can I make myself strong enough to become deaf and just ignore what my heart is telling me? But why it feels as if it was reciprocated? Justifying what's right and what's wrong? Sometimes I choose to ignore but it feels painful seeing and feeling that things seems affected with my cold response. And whenever that thought comes, it is hard to breathe normally. I wanted to give way to what I truly wanted but many things are holding me. Reality is biting hard and it's making me very weak to not fight for it anymore or to not keep what I'm holding right now. Am I too selfish for wanting something that I can never have? I wanted to think that life is fair; that everything has its all purpose. Should I believe then that somehow this will connect to the story of life someday? Is destiny will lead me to it? Or am I that powerful enough to twist my fate? It's hard to think but for now I will feel its existence.